emily manning

Difficult life questions

How does one tell the bus boy that one hopes to model their pseudo relationship after Kirko Bangz’s “Drank in My Cup”?

Does playing the song for said bus boy effectively communicate this?

i hate myself

i’m taking you home right now so i can get some oxygen and quit while i’m ahead
when really i want to watch the way my sweater makes your shoulders look
while you are glancing anywhere but my face and whispering words i can’t hear
like fragility like subtlety like a girl
like the way her fingers used to trace the details of my spine
like the way i know your pale skin would blend into my sheets
like a girl

i hope

you get the fuck out of austin before i get there. the both of you.

right now

what’s making me feel better is the thought of getting a cute little kitten friend to share an apartment with.

Winter break! to do list:

• Apply to St. Edwards, Southwestern, SVA and U of H :|
• Go Christmas shopping
• Buy pretty winter clothes!
• Knit a hat for Logan<3
• Get my hips pierced!
• Read a good book
• Turn eighteen!
• Make some art that is not shitty
• Relaxxx
• Begin writing
• Balance some shit out
• Understand

THIS IS WHY I’M NOT SORRY

every night i think that i have never been so angry or so upset. i always outdo myself.
if you say one more fucking thing about the sacrifices you make for me.
okay, so you understand. that’s nice. that’s so thoughtful of you, to say that you understand and you know why i’m going out of my fucking mind worried about WHAT YOU’RE REALLY THINKING and WHAT YOU REALLY WANT and WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE DOING THIS TO ME FOR
so glad you totallllllllly see where i’m coming from, even though i know it’s hard to imagine me ever doing this to you. that’s because i wouldn’t.
there are so many things i can’t stand about you. the biggest one, the one that i can’t even lie to the therapist about when my dad tries to make you look bad, is how fucking selfish you are. you have no idea. you don’t know what this means to me. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER DO THIS TO YOU, EVER
EVER FUCK YOU I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE PUTTING ME THOUGH THIS
but hey, it’s no big deal. “just chill out, babe.” FUCK YOU.
i mean that more than i ever did the first time i said it. i’ve never said it to your face again, but i think it more than you’d like to know. i mean it, too. i worry you just might catch me sometimes, flicking you off when you’re not looking or whispering “fuck yous”  to myself. childish games, but i’ve never been filled with so much anger. when you were talking to me today i absentmindedly carved “HATE” into the styrofoam cup i was holding. true love! i managed to turn the word into a fairly acceptable “HAHA” before you noticed, then kissed your cheek, as you are too fucking tired and distracted to even turn your head to meet my lips, and told you i loved you. trying to be the best girl in the world for you so you don’t lie again. so you won’t be bored, or unsatisfied. so you’re happy and not searching for happiness.

-August 10, 2008